This was the first thing written by me for edition one of UniLife Magazine. We felt it was important to have information for new students, but it needed to be in a style that was entertaining and understandable. With many of the other articles over the year relating to serious issues, I felt it was important to have some silliness. Other examples of this are the bike article and how to use eggs. This was written with Alicia Melville-Smith.
Fear not young freshers, for UniLife is here to help you start your university journey with the following guide to all things uni. It’s handily alphabetised, as is the current style.
Adelaide For many people this is their new home and will be for the next few years. Love and explore it, it’s heaps good.
Alcohol See Memory Loss.
Aroma Café that makes awesome sandwiches. UniLife members get a discount there.
Bears UniSA prides itself on a bear-free learning environment. As such the risk of being mauled is practically zero*.
*Not applicable to Mawson Lakes
Campus Central Campus Central is like the reception area at your school, without the snarky receptionist. It is the place to go if you have a question or need something done. Go and ask them questions, they love it.
Child Care There are child care facilities on all campuses and the type of care ranges from full-time to emergency care. All you need is a child (virgins need not apply). Some campuses also provide after school care for older children. Search ‘child care’ in the UniSA Website.
Cigarettes All campuses have places for smokers to go if you’re into that sort of thing. See your campus maps.
Computers Like gold they are. Don’t hog them by being on Facebook. Internet is quick and really cheap. There is wireless internet so get a laptop if you don’t want to risk waiting. If you run out you can refill your quota at Campus Central.
Drinks Uni students get a bad rap for alcoholism and while UniLife will organise pub crawls for you, please don’t drink to the point of fatal death.
Emergencies All campuses have security officers that can walk you to your car if you’re at uni at night. These security officers are also qualified First Aid officers. See your campus’s map for these wonderful people’s location.
Events UniLife runs all sorts of events for students, check the pages of UniLife Magazine and the UniLife website for more info.
Friends You will make life-long friends while studying so make an effort to get to know the people in your course. Most of them are alright.
Gym We have a gym on each campus. See maps for further details or asked a particularly jacked person.
Hatred Much like school there will be assignments at uni that you won’t want to do. Complain to your friends who will still listen to you as much as you want, just make sure you do the work.
Identification Your ID cards give you access to specials and discounts that you will have to wait to be a pensioner before you can get again. If you lose it you can buy another one for $10 at Campus Central. My first one’s in the back of a taxi somewhere.
Illness Tutors will usually allow extensions if you get sick. Just make sure you email them and get a doctor’s certificate.
Isolation To the people who have left home to study, it’s natural to feel lonely. You’re away from family and friends for possibly the first time. While there is no quick fix make sure you make new friends and have fun. Pass as well. That would be good.
Jerks DON’T ASK QUESTIONS IN LECTURES UNLESS ASKED! I cannot stress this enough. There is a reason that the lecturer is there and you are a mere student pretending to take notes.
Keys (Golden) The Golden Keys organisation is a shadowy, ancient society for top students. What are their plans? It is not yet clear but take a look at the cover of the most recent Dan Brown book. That key looks kind of golden.
Learning & Teaching Unit These very lovely people will give you advice and counselling on everything uni related as well as helping the international students. I went to one once to see if they could help me find a girl. They locked me out.
Library Every campus has one. Check it out if you like books.
Memory Loss See Alcohol.
Naked UniSA is working on an officially sanctioned nude run. There will be tests during o-week. Feel free to join in.
Older Students There will be people in your tutes who are older than you. They are not lost and will get annoyed when you ask them where they’re supposed to be.
Pandas Will have minimal involvement in this magazine. We’ll leave that to the Advertiser.
Parking Costs money, but is still pretty cheap. See your maps.
Printers There are printers wherever computers gather, although most print only in black and white. Printing is cheap and if you run out you can refill your quota at Campus Central
Quality Students from Adelaide University will dismiss UniSA as ‘supertafe’. This is not only wrong but the two universities should be working together to pick on Flinders.
Reality What is real? What makes truth? How be good? If you’re a first year psychology student these questions probably seem deep.
Sex Work it out for yourself dammit.
Stress This is and always will be a part of studying. Find a (legal) outlet for your stress. Guitar Hero’s always good. Go and see the Learning & Teaching Unit if you’re having trouble.
Transport Buses go to all of the campuses every 15 minutes for most of the day. Check your bus timetables. For City-Westers the tram’s the thing.
Tutors & Tutorials Listen to what they say and don’t bombard them with emails. Tutes are a great place to have your say and can lead to some great discussion. Sometimes it’s even on topic. Many tutes take a role so turn up to ensure passing.
UniLife If the Learning and Teaching Unit is the study part of uni, UniLife is the fun. These are the people who organise pub crawls, concerts and other events for social interaction. If you get laid this year it’s probably thanks to UniLife.
UniLife Magazine The Shit. You’re reading it. A fortnightly magazine on all things uni related and many things that aren’t. If you get laid this year it probably had nothing to do with these guys.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch Please do not use this on other students. It doesn’t work and makes you look like a tool. Also, don’t be violent towards your fellow students.
Wanting If you found this dictionary a waste of time get on the UniSA website for more info. Also, screw you.
Xylophone There is probably one on campus somewhere. Find it to win no prize.
Yellow The colour of UniLife. Also the colour of bananas, cards, jerseys, buses and submarines.
Zebras A word that gives us a Z in this article. Also they are awesome.