Eggs

This article began as a joke, with our photographer seeking an excuse to recreate the photo to the left. I then wrote an accompanying article, which some thought hilarious, others thought a waste of space. Pick your side!

 

Eggs: nature’s second greatest miracle. To look beyond the humble egg’s use as a hangover cure, UniLifeMag went on a massive internet egg hunt and found heaps of eggsellent (pun count 1) uses for eggs. We were going to put our findings into a table, but we had some trouble operating eggxel (pun count 2).

As Food

Some people don’t like interest and eggsitement (that’s 3), and choose to eat their eggs. Eggs will last about 6 weeks in the fridge and fresh eggs sink, while stale eggs float. There’s no middle ground, only the two eggstremes (4). If you’re unsure whether an egg is worth eating, place it in some water. If it floats give it to your housemate. If you wake up one morning and you’re surrounded by eggs, the way to check whether they have been hard-boiled or are raw is to spin them. Hard-boiled eggs will spin better. Also, while we’re not going to judge, maybe back off the booze.

Here are some of the ways to cook eggs. Who needs cooking eggsperts (5, quickly running out of egg-based puns);

 Soft-boiled – Put the egg in boiling water. Leave it for a bit.

Hard-boiled – Put the egg in boiling water. Leave it for a bit longer.

Coddled – Not what you do on a cold winter’s night with your beloved. A fancy way of saying that you couldn’t be bothered waiting the time for it to fully cook.

Scrambled – Whisk your eggs and chuck them into a pan. When they’re almost cooked add things such as ham, cheese, bacon, herbs, or if you’re feeling fancy, vegetables.

Fried – If you can’t do this you need help. This dish can be made even greater by cutting a hole out of a piece of toast and frying the egg inside that. It can be even greater – like everything in life – by bacon.

Raw – UniLifeMag has not found a definitive answer regarding the muscle-building benefits of raw eggs in protein shakes, although we will say that there are better ways to get muscle, like Human Growth Hormone.

As A Beauty Product

Eggs apparently have moisturising powers, although I suspect that’s just a way to make people literally have egg on their face. Beat an egg – not literally, it’s just an eggspression (6) – and apply it to your face for 30 minutes. After that rinse it off – this step is important.

Eggs can also be used as a shampoo and conditioner. It may help your dandruff, but you’ll get funny looks from your housemates.

As Friends

Lonely? Why not draw faces on your eggs? This makes every journey to the fridge for the next block of happiness chocolate a chance to see the gang. There’s the funny one, the handsome one, the annoying one, the smart one, the kooky one and Jennifer Aniston.

As An Aphrodisiac

Everyone loves magic. This is fact. Neil Patrick Harris does magic and look at how many women he gets on How I Met Your Mother . Here’s an easy trick with an egg to impress any future partners. Recommended for first dates, or when the lights are dimming on a relationship.

  1.  Secretly place a small pile of salt under the tablecloth. If your restaurant doesn’t have a tablecloth stop taking dates to Maccas.
  2. Reveal the egg. It’s best to bring your own, as ordering hard-boiled eggs on a date is generally odd. The exception to this is brunch, which is always fabulous. Admittedly bringing an egg on a date is also odd, even odder if it has a face.
  3. Ask the date if they can stand the egg on its end. If they can, either they have special powers, in which case run, or they know the trick and you’ll live happily together forever.
  4. Take the egg out of their hands and place it on top of the salt under the tablecloth. The egg should lightly indent into the salt, although this will not be visible to the date.
  5. Take your hands away, leaving the egg standing, and prepare yourself for a night you’ll never forget.
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