How To Not Scare Women

How could UniLifeMag be improved?

 Tips for nerds/inexperienced gentlemen who are considering dating (especially on making “interesting” conversation, although I think planes and planets are quite possibly more interesting).

This gem of a response came from last semester’s UniLifeMag survey, and although the prizes given to survey responders were random, I hope that this guy won the iPod.

So, we present for your enjoyment, and this inexperienced gentleman’s education;

How to not scare women

I’ll be honest; I really should not be writing this. Not because it objectifies women, or any of the other reasons we’ll get told in the angry emails that shall follow. It’s because I’m really not equipped to be lecturing on intergender interaction.

The women I’ve dated/lassoed (and you know who you are, mostly) have all been very nice people, not the object of an epic journey to seduce them. The dating world is not an Indiana Jones movie, where the priceless artefact is a relationship and Short Round is not a term you want to hear.

So now that you all know not to listen to me, here are some tips and rules for anyone considering dating.

The first impression

This is very important. Just like you make the split decision to either melee or shotgun-to-the-face in Halo, women make the decision on whether to get the mace very quickly. Dress comfortably but respectably. If your shirt makes reference to the cake being a lie, or has mustard on it you’re off to a bad start. A suit is perfect for any occasion. It can even break the ice.

 “Why are you wearing a suit to the beach?”

“Well it’s a funny story…”

Alcohol can be a social lubricant, but be careful. The story of how you got a girl’s phone number should not be;

“I needed it to return her jacket after the dry clearing. Vomit leaves stubborn stains.”

The friends

You need to look like the kind of person that other people want to be around. This means that you need to find friends who can help you out, turning a blatant pick-up manoeuvre into a casual conversation between friends. This person also needs to know when to leave you and your prospective partner alone.

“Well I better get going. I work nine-to-five tomorrow. We can’t all be professional firemen like James here.”

Lying to women

The more astute of you will have noticed that for most people the above sample sentence will be untrue. Not everybody’s called James.

Making conversation

Now that a conversation has been struck, and the friends have left you two alone, it’s time for some solid small-talk. Below are some sample topics; choose which of these are appropriate for an interesting conversation and send your answers to UniLifeMag. The first fifty entries will be incinerated.

The music (Only applicable if you’re at a place where music is playing)

Their jewellery (Careful about low hanging necklaces. Look, don’t grab)

Your recent surgery

What they’re studying

Current films (Twilight fine, Toy Story 3 ok, porn is way out)

UniLife Magazine

What they’re wearing (Don’t ever term it that way. This can also be a risky venture into ‘the friend zone’)

The moment of truth

There are two very different techniques regarding this. This is the moment during conversation when you must ask whether the girl wants to see you again. The first technique is to just dive your tongue right in, and if you do not feel pain in the crotchal region, or a stinging sensation in your eyes, you’ve probably got your answer. The second technique is more subtle, and requires you to bring up a restaurant, or upcoming film or show, in conversation. You can then say;

“You like Angus & Julia Stone? I like Angus & Julia Stone! They’re coming later in the month, did you wanna go?”

This issue was all about meeting women, next issue will be about keeping them. Hopefully I can work it out in the next fortnight and report back to you.