Upcoming Films Part Two

Part One was published in an earlier edition of UniLifeMag.

A new batch of films to see raises many questions. I answer none of them. Release dates were correct at time of printing. You know how fickle those arty types are.

Paranormal Activity 2 (October 21)

In the history of film, when has a horror sequel been superior to the first?

Aliens doesn’t count, it was more action than horror. Send answers/abuse to the usual address.

Red (October 22)

Why has no one thought of this before?

Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Dame Helen Mirren shooting at anyone who doesn’t get to ride the bus for free. Yes.

Jackass 3D (November 4)

Have we moved on from those immature days of 2002?

Apparently not, as proved by this film’s existence. Jokes will remain one-dimensional, despite the upgrade.

Due Date (November 4)

When will Robert Downey Jr. understand that he doesn’t have to do this kind of thing anymore?

The director has a very patchy past. For every The Hangover there’s a School For Scoundrels. Zach Galifianakis continues his beardy weirdo schtick. This could surprise.

Harry Potter 7 Part 1 (November 18)

Will we see some wizard lovin’?

This is every living British actor’s last chance to feature in a Harry Potter film. Hugh Grant we’re looking at you. Part 2 comes out on July 14. Part 3 comes out when J.K. Rowling needs an extension on her house.

Tron Legacy (December 16)

Will Jeff Bridges still fit into his Tronsuit?

Apparently enough people still care about Tron almost thirty years on to warrant a sequel. Daft Punk provide the soundtrack. Hopefully the film will be less repetitive than the music.

Narnia – The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader (December 9)

Does anyone still care about this franchise?

There are seven books, and we’re only three down. This was filmed in Australia, so expect to see some familiar faces. Plus a giant lion.

Burlesque (December 26)

When has a musician moving into acting ended well?

Christina Aguilera stars in an original musical about… burlesque. Apparently there’s little-to-no nudity, because Christina’s classy like that.

Little Fockers (December 26)

Is your family anything like this?

It’s the day after Christmas. That aunt has gotten too drunk and started revealing family secrets. That uncle took cricket too seriously, resulting in the annual trip to the emergency ward. Time to look at a different dysfunctional family.

The Green Hornet (January 14)

Seth Rogen as a superhero?

Plot details have been scant, but with Michael Gondry (Director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and the White Stripes’ Fell in Love with a Girl video) directing, it should at least look pretty.

True Grit (January 20)

Is there anything the Coen’s can’t do?

A remake of a 1960’s western starring John Wayne? Interesting. Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin to star? More interesting. Produced by Spielberg and directed by the Coens? Can’t wait.

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